Last year I was a roller coaster of emotions due to being a new mom, moving places, and having to quit something I’m extremely passionate
about.
Just to elaborate a little bit more, my family and I moved from Japan in 2020. We didn’t have a car, many household appliances or anything really moving back stateside. Many assume that the military and their families are just taken care of. Well that’s not the case for many, and before anyone calls me a “dependa” I never wanted it to be that way anyways.
I believe in earning everything I get, but in a world of uncertainty that can be very difficult so you take all the help you can get. So anyways we moved back stateside, and instantly were put in debt because of the items that we had to buy (bed, crib, nightstand’s, washer, etc.) Our transition was lonely and unfamiliar, and having no friends present while pregnant made it even worse.
I felt so useless.
My husband always makes sure we have, and never complained about having to help around the house while working because pregnancy basically handicaps me. He made sure we were comfortable, made additional sacrifices, and offered a shoulder for me to cry on everyday.
This might hurt some feelings, but we were all alone as we had been from day 1. There was a moment after my mother passed where I didn‘t care what happened next because I was so numb to pain, hurt, and disappointment.
After we had Josiah, I was on a mission to redeem my health, and my family. I wanted to contribute and provide to allow my husband a break because he had done a lot of the work alone that year.
I got a job doing something I absolutely enjoyed, and soon came to realize that my own morals and values were being tested in a way that could only cause more harm than good. The devil capitalized on any and every negative encounter I had in 2021, and was determined to break me.
The harder I tried to make things work, the worse things got and once again I was exhausted. It took some breakdowns, cutting off toxic people, and completely stepping back from an entire community for me to recollect the pieces of myself.
If we are being honest, I still am. This story doesn’t have an ending because it’s a journey. After I quit my job, I was forced to sit and reflect on the pain from the past. I was hurting, and I wasn’t allowing myself to feel some of the things I felt in regards to losing the twins, leaving Japan, losing my mom, and so much.
There was a moment where the tears were just flowing and all I could do was laugh because of how unreal I had been handling everything. We are taught to believe that with time comes healing, but that’s not the case.
You have to feel it, relive it, be angry at it, understand it, and do whatever it takes to get through that moment because it‘ll be the first of many.
I know they there are people out there who have it worse than me. I know that there are some out there who are doing better than me too. But the only control that I hold is of myself. I have had to for better terms “sweep in front of my own front door” and that’s all I’m focusing on this year in 2022.
I encourage any and everyone to take a step back and look at how you got from Point A to Point B. You might be at the bottom of your slope, but recognize and appreciate what it is that got you there so that you can appreciate what’s waiting for you at the top.
Namaste,
Aleisha Kay
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