I am from West Virginia, and if you know nothing about the state you should know that we have the highest rate of obesity. Some assume my inspiration for fitness came from my background. This is definitely not the case! Many who are deceased in my family had hypertension, COPD, and other obese related conditions. Obesity is not something you are just born with it, it's a disease that is encouraged and influenced by your surroundings and habits.
Well I was determined to not be like those around me. In high school, I was convinced and always told that as you age your body naturally gets bigger, and I was bound to be heavy set regardless on what I did. This messed with me mentally, and I fought very hard to avoid this. I would engage in cardio excessively to keep the pounds off, and I would stick to eating maybe once or twice a day.
Many didn't know this about me.
Health is not something that is necessarily harped on, and I wish it had been because I might have avoided a lot of the mental and physical problems I faced growing up. The stereotype for healthy living is exercise, drinking water, and eating salads everyday. I started doing this, and began gaining weight!!!
What they don't tell you is that you have to fuel your body in order to lose and gain weight. My body was constantly in starvation mode, and I had nobody around who could help me choose the right path.
I would weigh myself several times a day, and didn't realize that weight fluctuates often. I hated myself!
Somedays I would binge eat, and then I would force myself to puke it up because I was afraid of gaining weight. I would look at the girls around me and notice how petite they were. I didn't grow up in a very diverse area, so you could imagine what it felt like being one of the only black females in a very small town with curves. When I graduated high school I weighed 156lbs. I remember this weight because I cried thinking about how fat I was, and wondered why my hard work wasn't paying off.
Fast forward to college, I gained an additional 16lbs and decided to join the cheer team. I begin to understand that I needed to eat a little bit more to be strong enough to support other teammates weight, and I became stronger!
I still hated my body though. They called me "big booty Judy" and me not realizing it was a compliment, I took it to heart and begin training even harder! I lost the weight I had gained by consistently eating breakfast and dinner everyday while training twice a day everyday!
This was exhausting me, and I couldn't tell anyone about it because I didn't want to be judged or ridiculed. May 2016 changed my life. I met my husband, and for the first time in my life I was too distracted to focus on the hate I felt for myself. I had fell in love, and had found someone who loved me for me!
It was the most thrilling and romantic summer, and I enjoyed myself!
Well, August 2016 he left me for 4 1/2 months for a training, and I began refocusing on my body. I had gained 11lbs over those few months spent with him, and I had felt worse than I had before.
I was back residentially in college and went back to training excessively and eating like I had done a few months prior to meeting my husband. September 2016, my mom was admitted in the hospital for a heart aneurysm that almost killed her, and my priorities switched. I didn't have time to think about my health because there were others who needed me. Passing my classes, taking care of my niece, and doing whatever I could to assist my family through this rough patch was priority so I didn't workout during this time much.
I did stop eating. Not because I felt like I was fat, but because stress wouldn't allow me to keep much down. You always hear about people eating their feelings whenever they are stressed, but there are plenty of people who can't eat at all whenever they are stressed. Plus I was a newlywed away from her husband so I went through it. Life was such a roller coaster and I was at the front free falling into the pit of depression.
Fast forward to January 2017, I moved to North Carolina with my husband. We struggled so so bad. Most of our meals were Piggly Wiggly inspired, and because I was a full-time online student we only had one income. We made it work for 6 months, and both gained probably around 15lbs together!
When we moved to Japan July 2017, we stayed in lodging for a total of 3 weeks, so you can imagine the damage that sitting and eating fast food/noodles all day would cause. Once again we struggled because Pcsing costs money even though its reimbursed. When you do not have furniture and other necessary essentials you have to buy it! So healthy food wasn't priority.
I did start working out regularly, only this time I was at the gym surrounded by all types of physically fit civilians and service members. I felt disgusting! I didn't know the first thing about creating a workout routine, so I stuck to my cardio and free weights.
For the next several months I focused on finishing my degree in Behavioral Sciences because I was told that I could not complete my Social Work internship overseas. Did I mention how difficult it is being a military spouse? Ha, that's for another conversation, but anyways.
While being a full-time student I worked a full-time job and managed to continue working out 3 times a week at the fitness facility close to my house. Staying busy was the secret to dealing with my emotions, it allowed me to block it all out. Still, I would look at myself and see nothing that I had accomplished.
It was March of 2018 that I decided that something had to change. I had been seeing this woman at the gym. She would always carry a gallon of water, Beats headphones, and had arms for days! She was a walking superwoman in my eyes, and I finally got the courage to ask her how she did it.
She had hired a coach to help her gain weight! She was an aspiring bodybuilder, and was in prep to compete for her first show. I was so inspired, and that same day I reach out to one of my favorite online trainers still to this day, and asked her to coach me and get me ready for the amateur bodybuilding competition scheduled for that August.
I had never followed something so structured before, and the entire 12 week prep was just so much fun! I learned so much about health, dieting, macros, and how certain foods would affect my body! Plus I learned how to operate different equipment in the gym, pose, and target muscle groups for a shredded physique!
That August I placed 2nd at my first show, weighing 146lbs, and I was more than determined to get back on stage! I loved the sport and learning about health so much I decided to get my Master’s Degree in Exercise Science, and became a certified personal trainer. All was well until it was time to purposely gain weight.
I had did all this work, just to gain it back. In my head it never registered that the leanness was not something you sustained. I was right back at square one. I hated looking at myself in the mirror, now that I knew how to eat I didn't eat any fatty foods and stayed in prep mode. I maintained a pretty nice physique, but I wanted to be shredded!
I did another show June 2019, and was more shredded than before placing 4th at this show, weighing 138lbs, and I hated the prep. I worked full-time, trained twice a day, at 4-5 meals a day, was a full-time grad student, and managed to keep a few friendships and still didn't feel accomplished.
While many looked up to me, I felt I wasn't good enough again. I was reminded of how I felt in high school. Not worthy, and I just felt huge!
I found out I was pregnant with the twins November 2019, and I was still battling some mental health issues. I knew with pregnancy came weight gain, but I wasn't ready to gain weight! When people found out it was twins, some were brave enough to tell me that I would never look the same, to kiss my body goodbye, all types of rude comments.
They didn't know that I struggled from self-image, or in this case body dysmorphia. After my twins passed, I could barely look at myself. I weighed 186lbs, and felt like the scum of the earth. I'm a fake it to you make it person, so that's what I did. If I couldn't be a mom, I would do what I knew best and that was working on looking my best.
I started my second pregnancy at 162lbs, and finished at 224lbs. What I feared most happened, and it didn’t even matter because after everything I had been through with losing the twins and my mom in the same year, bringing a healthy child in the world was priority. And that’s what we did at 33weeks and 6 days!
I didn't workout or diet excessively for 17 straight months! This messed with me so so badly, but I needed this break. The 6 months I carried my twins plus the 8 months I carried my son saved me. It wasn't the daily affirmation my husband offered, or the validation from others on social media, it was the pain my body suffered through.
I hated my body, and I never knew it's worth until it battled and won the obstacles it went through. I took my life for granted. Being stuck to a bed made me realized just how blessed I was to have the ability to walk. Having 2 c-sections made me appreciate my body's ability to heal. Nursing my son made me love and realize just how capable I actually was!
For over half of my life, I was hurting inside and what's sad is that I thought it was a normal part of life. Adults where I am from were always dieting, fasting, taking diet bills, and partaking in ridiculous trends to lose weight or get "skinny."
They were miserable, and it brushed off on their youth! I am that youth!
I'm writing this blog because so many of us are struggling with our self-image. We surround ourselves with things that contribute to the problem and choose to cover it up with band-aids because that is what is normalized.
Today, I love myself, and I practice finding at least one good thing about myself everyday. Because that is what matters. I am practicing healthier habits to include taking rest days, eating desserts, having a balanced diet, cutting out negativity, and normalizing not being okay!
I'm acknowledging that there are unresolved issues, and I'm working on it. I'm one out of so many people who battle with self image issues and this could be prevented if we normalized healthy living!
Please teach our youth about the importance of health. Show them how to live healthy lifestyles, and if you do not know how, start with practicing self-love.
Also, as we go into the holiday months realize that there are people amongst you battling with body dysmorphia, bulimia, anorexia, and so forth. Be sensitive to their feelings, and instead of telling them how good or bad they look, tell them how proud you are of them. Acknowledge all they have overcome and accomplished, and offer to be a shoulder they can lean on and an ear that they can vent to in confidence. That's all that most of us need.
I hope this blog finds you well!
Much love
Aleisha Kay
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